Your Family History:
Getting Started

By President Boyd K. Packer
Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

This article consists of extracts from President Packer’s book The Holy Temple.

If you don’t know where to start, start with yourself. If you don’t know what records to get, and how to get them, start with what you have.

Boyd K. Packer, “Your Family History: Getting Started,” Ensign, Aug. 2003, 12
Several years ago Sister Packer and I determined that we should get our records in order. However, under the pressure of Church responsibilities with my travels about the world, and the obligations with our large family and a home to keep up both indoors and outdoors, there just was not enough time. But we were restless about this family history responsibility, and finally we determined that somehow we would have to make more time in the day.

During the Christmas holidays when we had a little extra time, we started. Then as we moved back to a regular schedule after the holidays, we adopted the practice of getting up an hour or two earlier each day.

We gathered together everything we had, and in the course of a few weeks we were amazed at what we were able to accomplish. The thing that was most impressive, however, was the fact that we began to have experiences that told us somehow that we were being guided, that there were those beyond the veil who were interested in what we were doing. Things began to fall into place.

As I have traveled about the Church and paid particular attention to this subject, many testimonies have come to light. Others who assemble their records together are likewise having similar experiences. It was as though the Lord was waiting for us to begin.

We found things we had wondered about for a long time. It seemed as though they came to us almost too easily. More than this, things that we never dreamed existed began to show up. We began to learn by personal experience that this research into our families is an inspired work. We came to know that an inspiration will follow those who move into it. It is just a matter of getting started.

But the decision, the action, must begin with the individual. The Lord will not tamper with our agency. If we want a testimony of family history and temple work, we must do something about that work. Here is an example of what can happen when you do.

I once attended a conference in the Hartford Connecticut Stake. An assignment had been made three months earlier to all members of the stake presidency to speak on this subject of family history work. One had been a counselor in the stake presidency but became stake patriarch at that conference. He told this interesting incident.

He had not been able to get started in family history work, although he was “converted” to it. He just didn’t know where to start. When he received the assignment to prepare a life history from his own records, he was unable to find anything about his childhood and youth except his birth certificate. He was one of 11 children born to Italian immigrants. He is the only member of his family in the Church.

In fulfilling the assignment he tried to put together everything he could find on his life. At least he was starting, but there just didn’t seem to be anywhere to go. He could get his own life story put together from his own memory and from what few records he had.

Then a very interesting thing happened. His aged mother, who was in a rest home, had a great yearning to return once more to her homeland in Italy. Finally, because she was obsessed with this desire, the doctors felt nothing would be gained by denying her this request, and the family decided to grant their mother her dying wish. And for some reason they all decided that this brother (the only member of the family in the Church) should be the one to accompany his mother to Italy.

All at once, then, he found himself returning to the ancestral home. A door was opening! While in Italy he visited the parish church where his mother was baptized and also the parish church where his father was baptized. He met many relatives. He learned that the records in the parish go back for 500 years. He visited the town hall to look into the records and found people very cooperative there. The town clerk told him that the previous summer a seminarian and a nun had been there together looking for records of this brother’s family name, and they had said they were collecting the family history of the family. He was given the name of the city where they lived, and he now could follow that lead. He learned also that there is a city in Italy bearing the family name.

But this is not all. When he came to Salt Lake City to general conference he returned by way of Colorado, where many of his family live. There, with very little persuasion, a family organization was effected and a family reunion was planned, which soon afterwards was held.

And then, as always happens, some of his relatives—his aunts and uncles, his brothers and sisters—began to provide the pictures and information about his life that he never knew existed. And, as always happens, he learned that this is a work of inspiration.

On one occasion I took to the Genealogical Society eight large volumes, manuscript family history work, consisting of 6,000 family group records of very professional family history work, all on the Packer family. All of it was compiled by Warren Packer, originally from Ohio, a schoolteacher, a Lutheran. He has spent 30 years doing this work, not really knowing why. There are two more volumes now added to the others. He senses now why he has been involved in this work over the years and very much has the spirit of the work.

We have had the opportunity, too, of locating and visiting the ancestral Packer home in England. Many of the large manor houses in England in recent years have been opened to the public. This one is not. It is about a 15-minute drive from the London England Temple, and it is built on the site of an ancient castle, with a moat around it. It stands just as it was finished in the early 1600s. The portraits of our ancestors are hanging where they were placed nearly 300 years ago. On the estate is a little chapel. In it is a stained glass window with the Packer coat of arms, put there in 1625.

Things began to emerge once we got to work. We still are not, by any means, experts in family history research. We are, however, dedicated to our family. And it is my testimony that if we start where we are—each of us with ourselves, with such records as we have—and begin putting those in order, things will fall into place as they should.

Get a cardboard box. Any kind of a box will do. Put it someplace where it is in the way, perhaps on the couch or on the counter in the kitchen—anywhere where it cannot go unnoticed. Then, over a period of a few weeks, collect and put into the box every record of your life, such as your birth certificate, your certificate of blessing, your certificate of baptism, your certificate of ordination, and your certificate of graduation. Collect diplomas, all of the photographs, honors, or awards, a diary if you have kept one, everything that you can find pertaining to your life; anything that is written, or registered, or recorded that testifies that you are alive and what you have done.

Don’t try to do this in a day. Take some time on it. Most of us have these things scattered around here and there. Some of them are in a box in the garage under that stack of newspapers; others are stored away in drawers, or in the attic, or one place or another. Perhaps some have been tucked in the leaves of the Bible or elsewhere.

Gather all these papers together and put them in the box. Keep it there until you have collected everything you think you have. Then make some space on a table, or even on the floor, and sort out all that you have collected. Divide your life into three periods. The Church does it that way. All of our programming in the Church is divided into three general categories—children, youth, and adult.

Start with the childhood section and begin with your birth certificate. Put together every record in chronological order: the pictures, the record of your baptism, and so on, up to the time you were 12 years of age.

Next assemble all that which pertains to your youth, from 12 to 18, or up until the time you were married. Put all of that together in chronological order. Line up the records—the certificates, the photographs, and so on—and put them in another box or envelope. Do the same with the records on the rest of your life.

Once you have done this, you have what is necessary to complete your life story. Simply take your birth certificate and begin writing: “I was born September 10, 1924, the son of Ira W. Packer and Emma Jensen Packer, at Brigham City, Utah. I was the tenth child and the fifth son in the family.”

Once you begin this project, very interesting and inspiring things will happen. You cannot do this much without getting something of the spirit of it, and without talking about it, at least in your family circle. Some very interesting things will start to happen once you show some interest in your own family history work. It is a firm principle. There are many, many testimonies about it. It will happen to you.

Aunt Clara will tell you that she has a picture of you with your great-grandfather. You know that cannot be so, because he died the year before you were born. But Aunt Clara produces the picture. There is your great-grandfather holding you as a tiny baby. As you check through the records you find that he died the year after you were born, an important detail in your family history.

That accurate data means something. The middle name written on the back of the picture means something too. You may not know it at the moment, but it is a key; the beginning of ordinance work in the temple for some of your ancestors.

You believe in the Resurrection. You must know that baptism for someone who is dead is quite as essential as baptism for someone who is living. There is no difference in the importance of it. One by one it must happen. They must do it here while living, or it must be done for them here after they die.

The whole New Testament centers on the Resurrection of the Lord. The message is that all are to be resurrected. Every scripture and every motivation that apply to missionary work have their application to ordinance work for the dead.

Now you have your own family history written, and you have your book of remembrance assembled. It sounds too easy—well it is, almost. But it does mean that you have to get started. Like Nephi, you will be “led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which [you] should do” (1 Ne. 4:6).

Family history work has the power to do something for the dead. It has an equal power to do something to the living. Family history work of Church members has a refining, spiritualizing, tempering influence on those who are engaged in it. They understand that they are tying their family together, their living family here with those who have gone before.

Family history work in one sense would justify itself even if one were not successful in clearing names for temple work. The process of searching, the means of going after those names, would be worth all the effort you could invest. The reason: You cannot find names without knowing that they represent people. You begin to find out things about people. When we research our own lines we become interested in more than just names or the number of names going through the temple. Our interest turns our hearts to our fathers—we seek to find them and to know them and to serve them.

There are several basic component parts to family history and temple work. Over the years, they may be rearranged somewhat in emphasis, or the approach in programming Church participation may change somewhat. But the responsibilities stay about the same.

1. Each of us is to compile his or her own life history.

2. Each of us is to keep a book of remembrance.

3. As individuals and families we are each to seek out our kindred dead, beginning first with the four most recent generations on each line, and then going back as far as we can.

4. We are each to participate in other programs such as name extraction when asked to do so.

5. We are to organize our families and hold meetings and reunions.

6. If we have access to a temple, each of us should go to the temple as often as possible to do ordinance work—first for ourselves, then for our progenitors, then for all the names that have been gathered by means other than our own.

For Divorced Men:

After Divorce:
Help for Latter-day Saint Men

Men face challenges after divorce that are not often discussed, but there is much they can do to find healing.

A. Dean Byrd, “After Divorce: Help for Latter-day Saint Men,” Ensign, Aug. 2003, 58
“I was dying emotionally, and everything that mattered to me had been changed in a way I had no ability to control,” said one Latter-day Saint man after his divorce. “I felt helpless and lost. Ordinarily stable and unemotional, I found myself waking up at four o’clock in the morning and physically shaking. I closed my door at the office and cried uncontrollably for half an hour at a time.” 1

In my work as a professional therapist, I have found that the above description of a Latter-day Saint man’s journey after divorce is all too typical. Yet few would know it. Often men keep such feelings inside and suffer in silence. They experience confusion about marriage, they grieve over lost and altered relationships, and some even wonder if the Lord cares for them. Their suffering is real.

The challenges divorced men face in the aftermath of divorce are not often discussed. Yet there is much they can do to respond to their challenges within a gospel framework, making healing possible.

The Need for Support

Many divorced men report experiencing a deep sense of personal failure and feel they have lost everything important to them. This sense of loss is frequently manifested by anxiety, depression, and guilt. Men in general are expected to bear their struggles in private, partly because society views outward emotional expression by men as being incompatible with masculinity. As a result, men are less likely to ask for or receive emotional support. Frequently others automatically assume the men are responsible for the divorce, particularly if they do not have custody of their children. This often increases divorced men’s feelings of failure and alienation from others.

Though the gospel offers many wonderful resources, some Church settings may seem awkward both for the brother who is divorced and for other members of the ward. One man described the following situation:

“I will never forget the ward social a week or so after we made the decision to separate. We went together—one of the last times we tried that experiment—but separated at the door, and for the rest of the evening, she was surrounded by sympathetic, nurturing sisters. And I was alone. A few of the brothers spoke to me about sporting events or news of the day. …

“Although that evening is the most poignant in my memory, it simply encapsulates for me the total experience of the next two months.” 2

While social support may be difficult to find, such support is an important part of the healing process. Frequently others do want to help; they just don’t know how. Often the fear of being intrusive prevents them from reaching out.

What Can Divorced Men Do to Find Support?

Divorced men can do much to allow others to help. If you have been divorced, consider the following:

1. Meet with your bishop. Share with him your concerns and difficulties. Seek his counsel about how you should be involved in the ward. Let him know you want to follow the Lord’s counsel, and ask him to assist you in seeking it. A priesthood blessing can help provide hope and peace.

One recently divorced brother received a beautiful blessing from his bishop that gave him specific advice, as well as comfort and assurance of the Lord’s love. He said he was directed in the blessing “to schedule family home evenings at my home, to conduct personal priesthood interviews with my children, and to begin each visit with my children in prayer. I had thought my children might be resistant to having two family home evenings or might object to personal priesthood interviews or even prayers. They were not.” This man’s children valued his efforts to follow the bishop’s counsel and provide spiritual direction in their lives.

2. Meet with your quorum or group leader. Share with him what you feel comfortable sharing, asking him to keep confidences. Jointly determine what you might do to help in the quorum or group. Service can provide a wonderful opportunity to look beyond your own situation and improve your perspective. It may even be helpful to have periodic interviews with your leader to discuss your needs and to solicit his counsel.

3. Seek help from home teachers. Home teachers can be an excellent source of support, encouragement, and practical help. One brother was blessed with home teachers who became his close friends. He stated: “There were frequent phone calls, frequent visits. Once the quorum president called to ask if I had been home taught the previous month. I responded, ‘Which visit should count as a home teaching visit, and which message should count as the home teaching message?’ My home teachers had met with me on six different occasions that month, two at their request and four at mine. How blessed I felt to be the recipient of such kindness and concern during my time of need.”

4. Seek the Lord’s help. There is no difficulty too small or too large to warrant the Savior’s concern and help. Make your prayers personal. Read the scriptures as if the Lord were talking to you. Listen for answers to your questions and prayers; then act on the answers you receive.

A brother who sought guidance from the Lord stated: “I wanted to know and do the Lord’s will. I allowed Him to talk to me. I heard Him speak to me through the scriptures. I felt His love. For the very first time, I felt the blessings of the Atonement in my life, and I knew the blessings were real.”

When Children Are Involved

Following divorce, being a father can be more difficult in almost every way. In nearly three-fourths of all divorces, mothers gain custody of the children. Fathers are frequently relegated to visitor status, and they may feel less effective as parents. The limited time they have with their children may be more focused and less relaxed. For example, fathers may spend more time solving problems and less time simply enjoying the company of their individual children.

In addition, divorced fathers may feel uncomfortable when returning to the home where the mother lives. There may be an awkwardness about negotiating visitation times, and sometimes one may feel unwanted and in the way.

One divorced father said, “It’s strange to come to your former home and knock on the door instead of just walking in.” These types of trying situations can contribute to many men spending less and less time with their children. Research suggests that about 50 percent of children lose contact with their noncustodial parents (usually fathers) within five years of the divorce. 3 This happens in families even where divorce has been fairly amicable. In other divorce situations, anger, blame, and conflict between a divorced couple can erode relationships between fathers and children. In such cases, the heartache does not end when the divorce is final; it simply continues.

Despite the discomfort involved, it is crucial that divorced fathers remain involved in their children’s lives as much as possible. Wise mothers will encourage this involvement. Structure your schedule so that you spend time with each child individually as well as with all of the children together. As you make the effort to spend time with each of your children, you will have more opportunities to listen to them, to learn of their concerns, and to develop close relationships with them.

Your children will also benefit when you refrain from criticizing your former spouse in front of them. Be courteous and civil to your former spouse, and make sure your children see this. Such behavior will make them less likely to feel torn between their parents.

Financial Challenges

If a divorced couple has dependent children and the mother is not employed, frequently the father carries the bulk of the financial responsibility for two households. Sometimes second or third jobs become necessary. My experience in working with divorced Latter-day Saint men suggests that while there are exceptions, most are concerned about financial support and are willing to sacrifice whatever is necessary for the family.

Be realistic about finances with your former spouse and children. A budget may be more important than ever. You may want to schedule regular, positive discussions about finances; such discussions should focus on solutions rather than problems. If needed, obtain professional financial advice. The bishop or your quorum leaders may be able to help you in locating ward or stake resources to assist with financial planning.

The Importance of Forgiveness

The frustrations and hurts associated with divorce can leave deep wounds in individual lives. Yet the Lord has commanded all to forgive. Recall Doctrine and Covenants 64:9-10 [D&C 64:9-10]:

“Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

“I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.”

If your actions have contributed to the divorce, you may need to repent of any wrongdoings. The repentance process can be painful, but once you have repented fully and obtained the Lord’s forgiveness, remember that you are also obligated to forgive yourself. Do not forget the lessons you have learned from your experiences, but allow yourself to move forward rather than being mired in the past.

The path to forgiveness can be difficult and heartwrenching; yet it unclutters the soul of resentment and pain. Forgiveness is the crowning part of true healing—the balm of Gilead applied to our wounded souls.

The Savior Will Help

For the Latter-day Saint who has experienced divorce, there is no greater gift than the Atonement. Invite its blessings into your life. The Savior will help you put your life together again. There is no burden He cannot lift, no tears He cannot dry, no pain too great for Him to help you bear. His grace is sufficient. His love can sustain you. His arms can embrace you. And in those times when you are unable to walk, He will carry you. In a personal way, you can come to know and feel His love. Like Nephi of old, you can be encircled in the robes of His righteousness (see 2 Ne. 4:33).

What Others Can Do

1. Ask the divorced member how you might be helpful. Take your cues from him; do not assume you know what is best for him. Let him decide.

2. Help the divorced member feel included in the ward and in your social circle. Encourage him to be involved in the ward by inviting him to attend ward or social activities with you. Sit next to him in Church meetings.

3. Avoid judging the divorced member; leave that to the Lord. Be supportive of the member’s efforts to find healing in this difficult situation. Reach out, welcome, and love as the Savior would.

4. Ask him how he is doing, and be willing to listen if he wants to talk. But do not pressure him to disclose more than he is comfortable with, and don’t center all your conversations around the divorce. Do not feel you need to offer advice unless he asks for it.

5. If you are in a position to do so, ensure that he receives regular visits from caring home teachers.

6. Provide opportunities for service. Helping others is a good way to get outside of oneself, and such activities frequently result in increased feelings of self-worth.

7. Pray for inspiration to know how to help the divorced member. Encourage him also to pray so that he may receive Heavenly Father’s guidance and feel His love.

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